I went for a walk. It was nice.

One day I went for a walk.
It was nice.
Michaela came with me.
She is my best wife so far. 
She is nice. 
I took her up the Transpennine.
It was nice.
It was sweaty.
We took a picnic.
It was nice.
There were some cows.
They were after my Greek Salad.
Which had feta cheese, and olives, and tomatoes, and olives, and feta cheese, and green stuff, and tomatoes.
Nom nom it was nice.
There was a lady with a cute Chihuahua.
She let me stroke it.
It was nice.
She smiled.
I smiled.
It was nice.
My best wife so far stroked a strange man's Cocker.
She said it was nice.
The man smiled.
I didn't like his smile or his Cocker.
Twat!
It was 5 o'clock somewhere.
So we called at The Station Pub.
It was nice.
We caught the train home.
It was free.
The guard couldn't be arsed to collect the fare.
I liked her for that.
Bless.
So it was free and nice and nom nom.
Then I woke up.
The end.

Tom Treddlehoyle's, Thowts, Joakes, an Smiles For Midsummer Day 1845

Here I come fair midsummer, dond in my holiday cloths; to ask if you will just be so good as at all walk up and down nature’s green carpet , look at furniture, picktas and to warm myself in your nice sunshine; for you will know I’m not without a stranger in these parts, having but just come into , what I may call, literary life like.

You will perhaps think it very strange in me saying so, but true it is; and if you will but be so obliging as grant me the favour, I don’t mind being catched in a bit of thunder and lightening at times for I am used to that as young as I am.

Thank you; Mum, it’s very good of you ‘ it is indeed, to say that you never saw me before; and there is not one in a hundred would have it, that there is not, for these no knowing folks, now a days, what they are, well they are well tried and sort into, and then it’s doubtful.  Then you will excuse me, now i’m at full liberty to have a bit of a flush, like a hen on an arse midden, for a sort of rejoicing like; but mind I don’t mean to cackle, or yet set up my heckle, because I am favoured in the way I am; no, I think not, indeed; and it makes me uncomfortable to think that I can carry corn without being inoculated other with sauce of pride. So, good morning, Mum.     

Hello world, my lad is that you?

Well there is room for mountains of book yet I see. Who would have thought it? As many folk as there is are trying their hand and squeezing their brains day by day are making them. Come, then, here another old cock to throw in amongst the lot; but just wipe the dust off your table tops, drawers, window-bottoms and shelves if you please; first ; and wash your hands beside , for there are some of you are hardly fit to handle a frying pan let alone a book.

There, now you look middling decent; After having a good sneeze with taking the dust off your furniture and spoiling the colour of a two gallon of water with your hands; so read away as hard as you like; and as you go on keep finding fault, be sure and do that; cos if you don’t, it won't be behaving right as human nature. And at times , you may laugh if you like, if there is anything to laugh at; but doing, it, mind and don’t go and kick up such of a scare as to frighten the Sky Lark, so as they don’t come down, up to the sod again to their young ones.

Another thing; don’t you go and rive me it on pieces, and lap boild trackle in, soap light to canal, or to curl your toppins up with, same as you do to many poor unfortunates books while they have nothing but their bare backs left; no before you do this , take a bit of reason home to yourself, and see what sort of a scuffle you could make with a pen and ink like; to go before a multitude has and speckteckles thats the time of day for trying what wisealers and cunninaker are made of . And as good old ancient job said,

“O that my enemy would write a book”.

Well done little Midsummer Joker, it is a nauper , is that, for some folks, if they have nothing but sense to feel; But I’m right doubtful for I’ve always found such like , and them that has reckoned to have had their ears moved when they’ve been cloth pinned, to have cannisters like cobbler (lapstans) , and brains as senseless as calis-sand. But I must drop it, or else I shall be doing my young friend harm , for folks don’t like to hear a bit of plain truth at all times especially when; it comes nearish their own home.

With this I’ll now leave you to do and to act as you like; and very politely wish that you may live while you die, in full possession of improved minds and better ways.

The Author,

Pogmoor by Barnsley

1845 

(Charles Rodgers)

Here are some some trails I wrote and produced for the Tony Capstick Show.

Here are some trails I wrote and produced for The Tony Capstick Show on BBC Radio Sheffield in the mid to late 1990's. With thanks to Keith Skues,  Rony Robinson (well at least his laugh), Pete Simester and the late Winton Cooper and Long John Baldry. The photo is of Studio 2 on Westbourne Road.

listen to ‘Some trails I wrote and produced for the Tony Capstick Show mid 1990's on BBC Radio Sheffield. ’ on audioBoom

The Coolest Bricky In Barnsley

Bib and brace, flat cap and tie, 

Herbert was the coolest bricky in Barnsley. 

Leaning against the wall like a teapot, 

left arm the handle, 

right arm the spout. 

A cig hangs on his lip for dear life. 

Makes him look cooler than Sinatra in Vegas. 

Bert is the original master mixer, 

two sand, one cement and a lap of water. 

It is gobo heaven. 

Herbert Cawthorne, the coolest bricky in Barnsley. 

And my Grandad.

  

Goodnight Sweetheart

According to that esteemed organ The Barnsley Chronicle, a planned World War 2 re-enactment event at Elsecar Heritage Centre has been cancelled by the Council.

The reason is reported as being that some people taking part would wear Nazi uniforms.

A council spokesman said "A similar event held in 2010 generated a number of complaints from the public and local residents."

Personally I don't understand why anybody would want to spend their weekend walking around Elsecar dressed as Heinrich Himmler or Churchill but everybody to their own.

But what do people expect to see at a 1940s' 'Goodnight Sweetheart' weekend, well if its held in Barnsley, everything but the Nazis. 

And does this mean all future re-enactments will be cancelled? No more Sealed Knot battles up at Wentworth Castle? and no more school children from Silkstone learning the history of the Great War through re-enactment?

The re-enactment event at Elsecar was, like the school children at Silkstone, an educational experience that was providing a living history display. And anything that reminds us of the horrors and evil of the Second World War and acts as a warning to what can happen when the far right gain power should be welcomed.   

In loving memory of my dad’s little blue Volvo.1994-2011

In loving memory of my dad’s little blue Volvo.

1994-2011

Little did I know that Friday was to be your last day?
It should have been Thursday but I left your immobiliser at home.

MOT was calling you, but you didn’t want to go.
Was that because you knew what was to come? or cos your brakes were knackered and you’d never stop at the bottom of Old Mill Lane.

Yes your rear bumper was stuck on with a roll of gaffer tape, but this was only to match the wing mirror covers those little twats knocked off on Bonfire night.

Thank you for the happy times, I wish there could have been more,
To be honest I wish there could have been one!

When I got the call from Gary at the Garage my heart dropped,
Just like your suspension and sub frame.

Driving you was like going on an ocean cruise, due to all the water in the bottom of the doors. 

I remember braking too fast once and the dog, who was sitting in the front, nearly drowned in the Tsunami that followed.

It broke our hearts to loose you, but it would have broke the bank to get you fixed.

Like your spare tyre my heart in now flat.

I’ll be lost without you as I was when I drove you.  

So Little Blue Volvo the time has come to say goodbye.

RIP (Rest in Pieces)

David Markwell
PS110% of people who read this will not have the guts to copy and paste it to their profile and quite frankly I don't blame em. Of the other 19% who get this far do you want a car? It’s a good runner, it just doesn’t stop very well.

Poor Service. So I changed insurance. I save £174 and get what I want so it's

Dear Swiftcover.com,

Thanks.

Even though you offered me a direct debit option on one car, I was surprise to discover the same option had not been offered for my other vehicle I insure with you.

When I rang to enquire why this was I was told that it was because of my postcode. I questioned how one car could have a DD payment but the other one could not when my postcode was the same.

I was then told that both cars could now only be paid with a one off payment, (even tho your website would allow me to renew it right now by one simple click if I wanted cos I've just had a look).

When I asked what my postcode had to do with whether I could pay or not pay monthly I was told that, "well some people in your area may not have paid on their insurance so it's an high risk postcode". I believe two things about this, 1) It's discriminatory, 2) It's a bad business plan.

So I have decided to cancel both polices with swiftcover.com, which has turn out to be a "win win" for me. I've managed to save £174.01 on your renewal quotes plus both insurance's are paid by direct debit. Which is all I wanted to start with. So thanks. Your "bonkers" way of dealing with loyal customers has made me money and lost you business. I'll never use you again.

Regards,

David Markwell

First Audio Boo For A Bit.