Thursday 15 November 2007
Old Barnsley Video, That's brought back some memories...
I used to work for the old boy who is seen selling the bananas in this film. God I hated the job. I've never met or worked for a more miserable, cold man. Lucky for me I got the sack for not telling him we had a box of Spring Cabbage left at the end of a Saturday before a Bank Holiday.
Apparently I was in charge of all the stock & sales levels, as well as fetching the apples and turnips, but the pillocks never thought about telling me this.
He didn’t have the bollox to sack me himself, he got his wife to do it but she couldn’t do that right.
Wednesday 14 November 2007
The question was put before the Markwell family council members as we cleared away the plates after demolishing four kebabs and two lots of chips. “What happens if you sneeze and break wind at the same time?” We’re very cultured in this part of Barnsley.
To be honest I’d never given it any thought up until then, but it’s the kind of question only men can worry about. “I expect you explode” my eldest son said answering his own question. Yes I could see that, but something confused me. If two orifices, at opposite ends of the body were open at the same time, wouldn’t that cause some sort of internal vacuum through the entire body.
An image of Professor David Markwell popped up in my mind. Let me explain my “bloke” theory dear reader, but you have to remember I only got grade 3 C.S.E. Science here.
If two explosions happen at the same time at either end of tube (which I suppose you could class your throat, nose and intestines as) wouldn’t the air that’s been blown out create a vacuum inside the tube. This would then allow the external pressure to have a crushing effect on the body, but only for a few seconds I recon.
And this is when the most worrying “blokes talking cobbles” moment happened. What if, what if ……. like…. Er what if after the duel body explosion, as I’ve just decided to call it, when that crushing pressure hits it’s maximum point, what if the sneeze and the fart reversed their natural orifice?
Well for one thing handkerchiefs would be a thing of the past because you could wipe the snot away with your underpants by simply sitting on a chair, and secondly but more importantly if you broke wind down your nose you could just blame it on your bad breath. Result or what? Or is that just me?
To be honest I’d never given it any thought up until then, but it’s the kind of question only men can worry about. “I expect you explode” my eldest son said answering his own question. Yes I could see that, but something confused me. If two orifices, at opposite ends of the body were open at the same time, wouldn’t that cause some sort of internal vacuum through the entire body.
An image of Professor David Markwell popped up in my mind. Let me explain my “bloke” theory dear reader, but you have to remember I only got grade 3 C.S.E. Science here.
If two explosions happen at the same time at either end of tube (which I suppose you could class your throat, nose and intestines as) wouldn’t the air that’s been blown out create a vacuum inside the tube. This would then allow the external pressure to have a crushing effect on the body, but only for a few seconds I recon.
And this is when the most worrying “blokes talking cobbles” moment happened. What if, what if ……. like…. Er what if after the duel body explosion, as I’ve just decided to call it, when that crushing pressure hits it’s maximum point, what if the sneeze and the fart reversed their natural orifice?
Well for one thing handkerchiefs would be a thing of the past because you could wipe the snot away with your underpants by simply sitting on a chair, and secondly but more importantly if you broke wind down your nose you could just blame it on your bad breath. Result or what? Or is that just me?
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